fragility

Lately the fragility of life has been on my mind. I often go back and look at choices I've made and think of how different my life would be had I made a different choice. What if I decided to go to grad school in Baltimore instead of New York? What if I'd decided to study abroad in Mexico instead of Spain? (I met Mr. P while spending a semester of grad school in Barcelona). Then of course there are decisions that weren't in my control which also had a profound impact on my life. I was a P.eac.e Co.rps Vol.unteer in Guatemala - though I didn't choose to go to Guatemala (you usually don't have much say in where you go when you sign up). That is where I learned Spanish and that fact has played a major role in my life ever since.

And of course there is our adoption. I can't remember where I left off telling of our adoption process, but there was a point where everything was complete, but then Mr. P's fingerprints were returned because they were illegible. We had to re-submit them and waiting just for that piece of information delayed the process by two months. You can imagine how that was making me feel at the time. But at the same time we kept thinking that the fact that we waited those extra two months to begin the REAL wait could have changed our lives forever. Who knows what might have happened if we'd gone into the pool earlier? Would K have still seen us? So yes, life is fragile. And random, and so not random, and beautiful. The most fragile of all of this, it seems to me, is that K chose us to parent little A. What other families did she consider? According to what we know from our social worker, there weren't any other families called about little A, but that doesn't mean she didn't consider other potential parents. What if the fingerprints hadn't come through for another two months?

I just finished watching a (in large ways disturbing) segment from 2004 on twenty / twenty about open adoption in which a young mom is deciding between five families to possibly place her child (she is pregnant at the time of deciding amongst the families). She meets with all families and then makes her decision. After the individual interviews, all of the families go in to the agency at the same time while she meets with them to tell them whether she chose them or not. While one family sits in the waiting area, they see one family after another come out of the conference room crying and think, "well, at least that means the chances are greater for us." Really? What the hell kind of agency sets something up like this? (this was just one of the disturbing parts of the show). She does choose a family. Her baby is born shortly after and then she struggles with her decision to place or not. In the end, she does decide to place. Their adoption is open and she sees her son several times a month. Why this is all related to this post, though, is that a few months later, all of the five families get together, now having all adopted children. I just thought... wow. These families must look at the little baby boy in the room and think, "He could have been our son." Or do they think that? Who knows? I certainly don't.

But it was a concrete reminder of how fragile it all is. And how amazing. And bizarre. And heart-wrenching. And beautiful. Adoption is oh so many things.