not for sale

Yesterday we all went to a friend's apartment/art studio where she and her husband were showing their art as part of an open house. We stayed quite a bit and people came in and out to see the art. My three year old daughter was running about, pretending to skate, and reminding people to "look at these paintings!". Baby boy was hanging out with us on the couch. A couple came in and was looking around the apartment. On their way out, one of them says to us, "this is your baby?" yes. "And her, too?" Yes. "Oh, you bought her?"

WTF?

Okay, the worst part of this whole exchange, for me, is that neither my husband or I responded. I was dumbfounded and concerned that my daughter may have heard him. Thankfully, I *think* she was too wrapped up in playing/jumping to notice. My husband really didn't understand what he had said, as English is his second language and the guy saying these things was a mumbling type in any case.

But all of this doesn't erase the fact that neither one of us addressed it. I feel ashamed to even write this. I do write it because it's a fact of our family, and I really need to think of what to say before this happens again so I make sure it doesn't go unaddressed again. We've been sick about it since it happened yesterday afternoon. My husband feels horrible that he didn't understand what he had said. What will I say next time? Children placed for adoption are not for sale? No human being can be bought or sold? Still even now I'm not sure what would be the best response.

Looking back

The other day my husband was stopped on the street by a couple who had recognized him from our picture on our agency's "waiting families" web page. He really should work in television because people never, ever, forget his face. The couple had been doing some research into becoming adoptive parents, and have settled on our agency. They are just barely starting the process. The also happen to live next door! What are the chances in this city of millions? Anyway, we had them over for a chat to tell them about our experience, see if they had questions, etc...

Meeting with this couple really brought me back to when we were first starting this journey, and the emotions that I felt at that time. It was a vulnerable time for me and I haven't really thought much about those feelings since I was a just-starting-out mom. I remember the anxiety about telling people that we were starting the process, and the defensiveness I felt then. I sent out an email that basically outlined how people should and should not respond to us (i.e., don't tell me about Lifetime movies, don't ask if we are scared that the baby's parents will come knocking on our door to demand the child back, etc.) I shared our infertility experiences and our adoption process with very few people at that time. At this point, I look for any opportunity to share our adoption experience! (see above).

In any case, it made me really feel for this couple as well as the person I was back then. It made me want to throw my arms around them and around my former self and say it's all okay, it gets a lot better, and you will have the family you want one day. Instead I offered both of these future parents a glass of wine, our stories, an open invitation to talk to us whenever they wanted to, and a hug when they left.

OA Roundtable: Hearing about OA for the first time

The OA Roundtable this time around asks about the first time I heard about open adoption. For me, it was through reading The Kid by Dan Savage. Love that book.

I read The Kid long ago, when children/family-building were far from my mind. In fact, I was on my way to Italy to see a summer fling of mine, but that's another story.... I remember reading it on the plane and crying my eyes out. The scene of the kid's mom in the hospital when Dan and Terry are looking in on her. Gut-wrenching. Still makes me cry just thinking about it. But even then the open adoption part of the story made sense to me.

I loved Dan Savage before I read the book, so that's why I read it then. When we were going through the process of adopting our first child, I gave the book to my parents and they both read it. For them, it helped to make several things "click" about open adoption. For example, I had told my parents that we didn't want to get too settled on names because we wanted that to be a discussion with our child's first parents. My mom wasn't too happy about that, but after reading The Kid she said she got it. She got the whole thing. I know Dan Savage can be pretty crude at times, but I highly recommend the book to people/relatives of people that are entering into adoption.

So when we decided to adopt, the idea of open adoption wasn't completely new to me because of that book. And I always knew that it's the kind of adoption that I wanted.