"secrets"

When we recently had our first post-placement meeting with little G's first family, not only were GM and GD there, also GM's parents and her younger sister. We had met GM's older sister prior to little G's birth, when we first met GM. The occasion of our first post-placement meeting was an annual picnic that our agency puts on for families in open adoptions. The plan was for everyone to come to our place first for some breakfast and then head down to the picnic together. In the end, GM, GD and the family got a bit lost (they rarely come in to the city), and we just met up in the park where the picnic was being held. Which I think ended up being for the best.

This was the first time meeting GM's parents. We had talked about them a fair amount leading up to little G's birth and placement. GM told us that her father hadn't wanted to look at our profile, our picture, and in general didn't want to talk about the adoption plan. GM's older sister also placed her first child for adoption through our agency, so we talked about that as well. The sense that I got from our conversations was that GM's parents are very supportive of the adoption plans, want to maintain a relationship with both of their grandchildren, but they don't want to talk a whole lot about it. My take is that they love their grandchildren and children fiercely, feel that adoption is the best plan for them, but don't really want to talk about the adoption or recognize it openly, if that makes sense.

When we arrived at the picnic there were hugs all around, including with GM's parents whom we were meeting for the first time. I went to GM's little sister, gave her a hug and immediately asked her if she had met little G at the hospital or if this was the first time seeing him. She gave me a bit of a blank stare. But she's a 12-year old girl who showed a lot of interested in her iPod, so I didn't think much of it. Shortly thereafter, however, GM's parents reminded GM (and us) that little sis "doesn't know". Hm. In other words, GM's parents didn't want us to let on that little G is GM's son, that we are his adoptive parents, all while we are at an open adoption picnic, sponsored by an adoption agency, with maybe 100 other people in open adoptions. Okay.

I turned to GM and asked, "What does she [little sis] think we are doing here?" GM just kind of rolled her eyes and shrugged her shoulders.

My feeling is that little sis knows exactly who we are, what is going on, who little G is, etc... But apparently it isn't something discussed or recognized. I have a real serious problem with secrets. Hubs' family is pretty big on secrets and in my own family we have our fair share. And I hate it. As a parent in an open adoption, I take a hard stance that there will be no secrets in our family. And now I find myself in this strange situation where who little G is and who we are are officially "secrets" to people with whom we plan to have an ongoing relationship. I'm not sure how to navigate this. We are going to visit GM, GD and the whole family at their house in two weeks. What will little sis think of that visit? I mean, obviously she gets it, but we are supposed to pretend that she doesn't.

I should say that GM's parents are extremely warm people, who were very affectionate with us and with little G. They had no problem discussing the whole situation quite openly with us (we spoke in Spanish, which little sis apparently doesn't understand), but if the word adoption (adopción) was mentioned, they would shush us. It's all a bit weird and will take some getting used to for me.

opening...

I haven't written much about our developing relationship with our little guy's first parents and extended family so far. We've had one visit with both parents and extended family on mom's side and we are set to go for another visit in just a few weeks. In between there has been lots of texting, sending of photos via text, a phone call and skyping once. So far, I have to say, the relationship has been very easy. I have always felt comfortable during all of our interactions, and, especially in the case of little guy's first mom, it seems to be a mutual sense of comfort and ease.

Was I even close to this mature when I was her age? I can't imagine that I was. At the risk of falling into the fantasy trap of idolizing our children's first parents, I really have been nothing but impressed with these two people, as well as the extended family that we have met so far. Little guy's first dad is so incredibly loving and sweet toward little guy as well as big sis every time we are together. There are some issues with secrecy that I am trying to wrap my head around, but that I will save for another post.

Looking back

The other day my husband was stopped on the street by a couple who had recognized him from our picture on our agency's "waiting families" web page. He really should work in television because people never, ever, forget his face. The couple had been doing some research into becoming adoptive parents, and have settled on our agency. They are just barely starting the process. The also happen to live next door! What are the chances in this city of millions? Anyway, we had them over for a chat to tell them about our experience, see if they had questions, etc...

Meeting with this couple really brought me back to when we were first starting this journey, and the emotions that I felt at that time. It was a vulnerable time for me and I haven't really thought much about those feelings since I was a just-starting-out mom. I remember the anxiety about telling people that we were starting the process, and the defensiveness I felt then. I sent out an email that basically outlined how people should and should not respond to us (i.e., don't tell me about Lifetime movies, don't ask if we are scared that the baby's parents will come knocking on our door to demand the child back, etc.) I shared our infertility experiences and our adoption process with very few people at that time. At this point, I look for any opportunity to share our adoption experience! (see above).

In any case, it made me really feel for this couple as well as the person I was back then. It made me want to throw my arms around them and around my former self and say it's all okay, it gets a lot better, and you will have the family you want one day. Instead I offered both of these future parents a glass of wine, our stories, an open invitation to talk to us whenever they wanted to, and a hug when they left.

Looking ahead

So here we are. The four of us. I am trying to wrap my head around how different the adoptions of my two children are, and what that could mean for each of them. To recap, we haven't had any contact with our daughter's first mom since placement day, despite our stated intentions to stay in touch (from her part and ours). In my son's adoption, it seems that we will have ongoing contact with his first parents, as well as grandparents, aunts and cousins.

For now (it's only been 5 weeks since our son has been home), the circumstances of his adoption have been a great way to talk about our daughter's adoption. On the day that our son was placed with us, I was explaining to our daughter that GG (our son) grew inside of his first mom's tummy. She asked if she grew inside her tummy as well. I was so happy with that because it was the first time that I felt that she was openly recognizing that she grew inside another woman. In the past when I've told her this, she will shake her head, or just not respond at all to me.

We visited with GG's birth parents, grandparents and aunt the other day and when I told our daughter that we were going to see them, and that they are GG's family, she happily sang one of her favorite songs about family. So it's all good stuff around here so far. However.... I do spend a lot of time thinking about how this will be going into the future and our daughter's feelings about not having the same kinds of contact with her birth family as GG has with his.

Today I spoke with the school psychologist at our daughter's new pre-K school and she had some really good advice. Keep it simple. Don't lie (which sounds obvious, and of course I would never lie to our kids, but there are some aspects of our children's adoptions that would be easier to lie about). Tell only as much as we need to in order to answer questions. Bring up possible feelings/reactions every once in a while to see if she wants to talk. It's fine to say "I don't know." It was reassuring to talk this through with someone else, even if just to confirm what I've already been thinking about.

OA Roundtable: First Meeting

Our first meeting with our daughter's first mother was..... like no other experience I've had. It is the most important meeting I've had. I cried the whole time. Not sobbing, but I teared the entire time. I was just so overcome with emotion. I still cannot believe how incredibly present, poised, clear and strong K was.

Although I was overcome with emotion, I remember much of what we said during that 45 minute meeting. We talked about K's journey to this city, her hometown, our plans to travel to her country, our daughter's name. At one point K looked at my husband and myself and told us each in turn that she knew we would be amazing parents for our daughter. I hit me like a ton of bricks. She just seemed so sure. Maybe more sure that I was.

I hold this memory very, very dear. In part because of what it represents for my life and my family, but also because it was one of only two meetings we have had so far with K. I still hope for more meetings, but as time moves on (little A will be 3 in August), I become less hopeful.

For more responses to the 27th OA Roundtable, go here.

lots going on

This past month has been really busy and really good. School started, of course, and my new class is great. I absolutely love the beginning of the school year - the excitement of getting to know a group of young people, the change in season, the fresh start. It is a busy, busy, busy time, though, and all the work has been putting me in bed before 10pm every night. The adjustment from being home with me to being with her babysitter again has been a bit hard for Little A. Her four molars coming in at once isn't helping things, either. But she is as resilient as ever and continues to amaze us.

On the adoption-related front:

• STILL not finalized. We don't even have a court date yet. Besides checking this off our list, I am anxious to get a birth certificate and social security number so that we can renew Little A's passport. My husband had to cancel his trip with Little A to Chile because her passport wasn't going to be valid for the time required by the Chilean government. However, his cancelled trip turned into a three-week visit to the states by Little A's abuela and uncle - who haven't seen her since she was 3 months old!!
• We recently went to an open adoption picnic at our agency. We saw a couple from our homestudy and met their beautiful daughter for the first time. We also met another couple who have recently adopted a girl (she's 4 months old) and they live in our neighborhood. I'm over the moon to have met this couple. I don't know any other adoptive parents (in real life), and to have met this mom that I connect with and with whom I share the open adoption experience is AMAZING. I am really, really happy about this. And the fact that they live in our neighborhood? It's the icing.
• We confirmed that K hasn't received any of the recent letters or pictures that we've sent to the agency. In other words, she hasn't had contact with the agency for many months. We know that she got the first letter and pictures we sent, but nothing since then. Now that a year has passed I am feeling less expectant. I still do have hope that we'll establish a relationship in the future, but I've lost that feeling of expectancy every time the phone rings.
• We also found out that we could actually start the process of adopting our second child even before we finalize Little A's adoption. I guess that means we could start getting our homestudy updated, etc... In any case, Mr. P is still on the fence about this, so we won't be making any moves in the near future.
• We are going for a developmental playgroup at our agency this weekend. It's something they offer to every child adopted through the agency. Your child goes in and plays while speech, occupational and physical therapists observe them and then they give you a report, noting any potential delays. They also help get you any early intervention services they recommend. I'm not really concerned about Little A, but I'm looking forward to hear what they say. I am a big believer in early intervention, so I think it's a great service the agency offers.

All in all, life has been pretty damn good lately.

little A's name

edited to add: This has now become the 6th topic for the Open Adoption Roundtable. Be sure to check the other responses!

Reading this over at Heather's, it got me thinking about little A's name and how it came to be. I realized I wanted to write a post, instead of just a comment.

When we were going through the homestudy process our agency had us think about this. Rather than try to push us in any way (keep the name, change the name, etc....) they basically told us what choices other people have made, and asked us to think about what we would want. Mr. P and I had talked about a certain girl's name before we were even married. We had always wanted to name a daughter after his grandmother, and use my grandmother's name as a nickname. One isn't exactly a nickname for the other, but they are close enough that it works. The middle name we'd always thought of didn't have any history or significance for us - it was just a name we liked. We didn't have any sentimental/family boys names chosen, though we had names we liked.

So even though we had this name that we'd always wanted for a daughter, I felt very strongly that we needed to be open to keeping and/or incorporating our adopted child's given name. Mr. P felt strongly that - at least in the case of a daughter - she needed to have his grandmother's name.

When little A was born, K didn't want to see her, know whether she was a boy or girl, or name her. When she entered the hospital to give birth, she informed the nurses and doctors right away of her wish to make an adoption plan. As soon as K knew she was pregnant, she knew that she wouldn't be able to parent this child. While she didn't have access to prenatal care, I believe that she cared for little A as best she could under extremely unfavorable conditions. Given the circumstances, I get why she wouldn't want to see the baby, name her, etc...

Once K met with a social worker from the agency at the hospital, that social worker encouraged K to name the baby (and to see the baby, which she did, though not at the hospital - it was a few days later at the agency) and suggested that K think of someone in K's life that she'd like to name her after. So K gave little A her mother's name (little A's birth grandmother's name), who had passed away several years ago.

So we knew little A's name when we first met with K, and thus ensued our discussions around the name. What I wanted was to have a conversation with K about it - tell her about the name we wanted and the reasons, ask her how she felt about it, and go from there. Our social worker, knowing how important our family name was to us, suggested that maybe there was one of the names that K had chosen that was more special (the name her mother had gone by, for instance), and we could keep that. But Mr. P really didn't like one of the names. I have to say, I was a little thrown aback by this. I didn't expect him to have an aversion to any particular name. To be adamant about his grandmother's name, yes, but not to reject another name. I really liked both of the names, so I can't put myself in Mr. P's shoes.

When we met with K, we did discuss little A's name. K immediately said that we should name her anything we wanted. She said we were to be A's parents and so we should name her. I think back now and part of me wonders whether or not there should be more counseling around naming - for both adoptive parents and first parents. I mean, on the one hand (in our situation, anyways), things can happen fairly quickly, so how much counseling can really go into the name. On the other hand, I want any parent entering into an adoption plan to feel empowered to have these conversations openly and honestly. Looking back on our brief contact with K, I felt (and feel) that she was very, very secure in her decision, went into this feeling that we were little A's parents and should name her, and felt confident in our ability to parent her to the best of our ability (she said as much when we met). So K's decision to tell us that we could name little A as we pleased was very much in line with her attitude in general. It's not that I feel she may have felt pressure give us that option, but I just wonder if she had had more time to think about it, talk to someone about it, would she have preferred something else??

In the end we asked K how she felt about giving little A Mr. P's grandmother's name as her first name and keeping the middle name she'd given little A as her middle name. Oh, and did I mention that the English version of little A's middle name is the full version of what my grandmother's name was? In other words, the name that we call little A is a nickname for her middle name - her birth grandmother's name (if you turned the middle name into it's English version). Kind of amazing, right?

So little A has all of her grandmothers' names - my grandmother (the nickname we usually call her by), Mr. P's grandmother (first name), and K's mother (middle name).

As a somewhat side note....... People often ask about her name, and I always give them the rundown - the name we call her was my grandmother's name, her given first name was Mr. P's grandmother, and her middle name was her birth grandmother's. That final tidbit is always met with a blank stare. I think people a) don't expect me to talk about the first family at all; b) probably don't expect that I know anything about the first family; and c) I guess just don't know how to respond in general. I think a "Oh, how nice" would suffice.

OA Roundtable #5: How has open adoption changed me?

I've been enjoying reading everyone's responses to the most recent OA roundtable, which you can see here. The question this time around is how open adoption has changed me/how I am different because of the presence of open adoption in my life.

I've been mulling this one over for several days. It's hard to answer because I don't feel there are a set of concrete ways this has changed me. For me, open adoption has enhanced me, enriched me, tested me, made me both stronger and more vulnerable.

One thing that I've been mulling over is that open adoption has really put to test things that I consider myself to be. You know how a lot of people say, "oh, I'd love to adopt someday...". Yeah, I always have said that, even when I was just a teenager. But until it becomes real, you really have no idea what that means. So while I believed myself to be "someone who would adopt" (whatever that means), actually adopting has put me to the test. How vulnerable can I make myself? What am I truly open to - in terms of contact, in terms of how other people may respond to my family, in terms of the circumstances under which this baby came into the world. I have proven to myself that I am the person I have claimed to be and thought I was, but I've realized in the process that it ain't that easy, either.

In open adoption I've felt vulnerable. I felt vulnerable putting together our profile, and it took some adjusting for me to be comfortable with putting ourselves out there to be judged - or at least it felt like judgement to me. We live in a relatively poor neighborhood (infamous for being crime-ridden, even though it's not), in an apartment without any outdoor space. How could we be chosen over families with multiple bedroom houses, yards, swingsets in the back, and two cars? From where I stand now, none of this matters. But where I was then, it made me feel vulnerable.

From where I am now I feel vulnerable in terms of the contact we have. I feel the ball isn't in our court - that there isn't much else we can do to facilitate a relationship. And it really bums me out. It's especially hard for me because the expectation was there. Against what we'd prepared ourselves for, the expectation was there from K and from us that we'd have a very open relationship. And so far we haven't been able to build that relationship, and it hurts me. It's not that I take it personally, but I just really wish it was different.

At the same time I feel so much stronger and more confident - as a person and as a mother - as an adoptive mom in open adoption. I've grown as a person and Mr. P and I have grown as a couple so much since we started this process. I think that K would be proud of how we are parenting little A. I am.

OA Roundtable #3: Wish list!!

This third Open Adoption Roundtable is about our wish lists for the future of the open adoptions we are in. Here goes my list:

• I wish that K, little A's first mom, will establish contact with us and with little A at some point in the future
• I very much wish for ongoing contact with K
• I wish that K is able to do well in this country, that she have peace, and be able to support her family back in her own country as she wishes
• I wish that at some point K will decide to tell her family about little A, and that we could introduce little A to that part of her family as well
• I wish for the strength that I will need to deal with the really tough parts of our open adoption with little A - and I hope that we are able to process those together in the best way that we can
• I wish that Mr. P is able to deal with these tough parts of our open adoption, for himself as well as for little A
• I wish for a little brother or sister, also through an open adoption, for little A
• I wish that little A is able to cope with the many different prying questions and assumptions that people with make of her and us as a transracial family and as an adoptive family
• I wish that we will meet and come to know other families in open adoptions - both for me and for little A to grow up with other families that feel (at least in that way) like her own
• I wish that the people closest to me would magically be able to understand (even just some of) what adoption means to me, to my family, and subsequently they would know exactly the kind of support/advice/comments I do and do not need specifically as an adoptive parent

Aaaahhhhh, I wish........

open adoption blogger

Heather has just set up a blogroll of open adoption bloggers. Thanks, Heather! I've added my name to the list, even though I haven't much felt like an open adoption blogger lately.

When I started this blog we were about a month out of submitting all of our paperwork to our agency and were "officially" waiting. Little A arrived much, much sooner than I had imagined (although not sooner than I had hoped!) and so what I thought would be a blog mostly about the wait has turned into an adoptive parent blog. Lately I have been feeling like RPFM (reservado para futura mama) has had an identity crisis. In part because I wasn't expecting this to be a parent blog (But, hello? I was in the process of adopting a baby which would make me, uh, a parent, right? duh! This just shows how much hope I had lost at becoming a actual, real-live parent). And also because I expected to have the entire focus be on adoption and now it feels more like the focus is on parenthood more generally.

And then there is my ...... I don't know how to name the feeling exactly (sadness? frustration? worry? anxiousness?).... but my feelings about our lack of contact with K (little A's first mom) since placement. I so desperately want to have some kind of contact with her. That desire of mine feels selfish and I think that's part of the reason I haven't yet written much about it here. Because, ya know, if I don't write about it or talk about it, that means I'm not having these selfish feelings, right?

When we were going through the process with our agency we talked a lot about the kind of openness we envisioned as well as the kind of openness that we were ... open ... to. Ideally we wanted a very open relationship but we also understood (understand) that every situation is unique and not all situations lend themselves to openness, and we were okay with proceeding with a possible placement even if the kind of openness we wanted wasn't an option.

As things turned out, K's situation was one that would have led us to believe that she would not want openness. But, lo and behold, she did want an open and on-going relationship! This thrilled us. When we met with K, we talked about all kinds of things, including openness, and from my perspective we were all on the same page. We talked about having several meetings throughout the year that we would set up directly with each other, sending photos, letters, calling, etc... However, because no one in K's family knows about the pregnancy or the adoption, we gave her our contact information but understood that we would not be able to contact her directly until she could get her own personal phone number.

K did call us once in between when we met and placement day (though not really to talk about anything to do with the adoption), but she hasn't called us since. We've continued to send letters and pictures to her through the agency.

I think of her all the time and I wonder how she is doing. I worry about her because she has so much on her shoulders right now - so much more than just the adoption. I really want to know how she is doing. I also of course want her to see little A and how she is flourishing, how she has K's eyes, how happy and healthy she is, and how happy we are to be her parents. But, as I said, this all feels selfish to me, and I am shamed a bit for feeling this way. For even in my meager attempts to understand what K must be going through at this time in her life (it truly is something that I can't come close to understanding), there are many, many reasons I can imagine for K to not want/need/be able to have contact with us right now.

Ultimately, the reason that I want to have an open relationship is so that little A can grow up knowing about K from K herself, and not just through what we tell her, and so that they can decide on the relationship they want for themselves. This of course doesn't necessarily depend on having contact when little A is a baby, but I just worry about not building the relationship now so that their relationship can grow as little A grows up.

With each week that passes I wonder whether it is another week closer to when we will hear from her or a simply another week when we haven't heard from her. I fear that we may never hear from her. (Mr. P does not share my view). In the end, of course, there isn't a whole lot more we can do.

So this is where I stand as an open adoption blogger - an incredibly lucky and happy adoptive mom that feels like her family's adoption isn't so open, and hoping that it one day will be.

But, oh, K, we do think of you all the time. You are in our thoughts and prayers daily. I wish the very best for you and your family.