no matter where you go....

Today I took a girl day out. Mr. P was home with little A and I went to go see a matinee, went shopping, and then met a friends for a late lunch (at which point it became girls day out). I'm pretty sure this is a first since little A came home - a day all to myself in which I do things only for myself. I surprised myself by being sad at leaving in the morning (surprised because I'd been looking forward to the day for a while). I kept calling home, and when I suggested meeting up later in the day Mr. P actually told me that he really just wanted me to enjoy the day to myself. All in all it was pretty fabulous.

I'm really a biography of Julia Child currently and I went to see the Julie/Julia movie. It was great because the movie picks up exactly where I am reading in the book - so I had some extra background while watching the movie. What I didn't know, and hadn't anticipated, was the ever-so-small part of the plot that Julia wants a child. In one of the first scenes of the movie she and her new husband pass a mom and baby carriage in the street and they exchange a knowing look and a hug.

And then there was the scene that I could have starred in in my real life. Julia gets a letter from her sister telling her that she's pregnant and Julia bursts into tears. Her husband is hugging her and through her tears she looks at him and says "I'm so happy!". Ugh. I've been there. Not with my sister, but with a close friend of mine - the first close friend of mine to become pregnant. Except in my case I had to hold back the tears for several hours while we spent an afternoon with her and her husband after they'd told us. As soon as we'd left their presence I burst into tears (in public no less), while Mr. P held me. And, yes, of course I was happy for them, too. But it broke my heart at the same time. Because it seemed so easy for "everyone else".... Because I couldn't experience only joy for my friends.... Because we no longer had that innocence...

A few days ago a friend/colleague of mine told me she was pregnant. Her first pregnancy was an "oops" pregnancy. She told me about that one literally days after I had just be giving her the low-down on our years of trying and how I had just started charting my cycles. While I was telling her about that, she was saying that she really wasn't ready yet for kids. And then a few days later.... She had a little boy and now she wants a girl. She wanted to do whatever it is that people do in order to aim for a specific gender, and she asked me about charting cycles. She started charting two months ago and on month two, she was preggers! I am really happy for her. No tears this time. And I had to admire her nonchalance about the whole thing. She wanted it, it happened, and hey, she may even get that girl she wants. Isn't that how we all think it will go down? From where I stand now, I'm happy it's all gone down for me the way it has, but it certainly took me a while to get here. As my dad always reminds me: no matter where you go, there you are.