OA Roundtable #5: How has open adoption changed me?

I've been enjoying reading everyone's responses to the most recent OA roundtable, which you can see here. The question this time around is how open adoption has changed me/how I am different because of the presence of open adoption in my life.

I've been mulling this one over for several days. It's hard to answer because I don't feel there are a set of concrete ways this has changed me. For me, open adoption has enhanced me, enriched me, tested me, made me both stronger and more vulnerable.

One thing that I've been mulling over is that open adoption has really put to test things that I consider myself to be. You know how a lot of people say, "oh, I'd love to adopt someday...". Yeah, I always have said that, even when I was just a teenager. But until it becomes real, you really have no idea what that means. So while I believed myself to be "someone who would adopt" (whatever that means), actually adopting has put me to the test. How vulnerable can I make myself? What am I truly open to - in terms of contact, in terms of how other people may respond to my family, in terms of the circumstances under which this baby came into the world. I have proven to myself that I am the person I have claimed to be and thought I was, but I've realized in the process that it ain't that easy, either.

In open adoption I've felt vulnerable. I felt vulnerable putting together our profile, and it took some adjusting for me to be comfortable with putting ourselves out there to be judged - or at least it felt like judgement to me. We live in a relatively poor neighborhood (infamous for being crime-ridden, even though it's not), in an apartment without any outdoor space. How could we be chosen over families with multiple bedroom houses, yards, swingsets in the back, and two cars? From where I stand now, none of this matters. But where I was then, it made me feel vulnerable.

From where I am now I feel vulnerable in terms of the contact we have. I feel the ball isn't in our court - that there isn't much else we can do to facilitate a relationship. And it really bums me out. It's especially hard for me because the expectation was there. Against what we'd prepared ourselves for, the expectation was there from K and from us that we'd have a very open relationship. And so far we haven't been able to build that relationship, and it hurts me. It's not that I take it personally, but I just really wish it was different.

At the same time I feel so much stronger and more confident - as a person and as a mother - as an adoptive mom in open adoption. I've grown as a person and Mr. P and I have grown as a couple so much since we started this process. I think that K would be proud of how we are parenting little A. I am.