I've been anticipating this assignment for a while, and I'm very excited it's here: The Open Adoption Bloggers Roundtable over at PNR.
The concept of open adoption entered my life long before I decided to start a family. It started the summer of 1999 when I was on a plane to Rome, Italy to visit my then fling/boyfriend (sexy, right?) and I was reading The Kid by Dan Savage. If you haven't read it (and you should) - it's about Dan Savage (the syndicated sex advice columnist who writes Savage Love) and his boyfriend adopting their son DJ through open adoption. I cried when I read the book there on the plane by myself. It's hilarious and touching. I hadn't thought a whole lot about adoption or even having kids at that point, but the idea of open adoption stayed with me all these years. When it came time, almost ten years later, for me to explore adoption, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that I wanted an open adoption. To me it just made sense.
Flash forward to 2007 and my husband and I had just gone through a whole bunch of tests to find that our infertility was unexplained. We did one IUI. I'd had enough of trying to get pregnant and feeling like my body was failing me and so before we even got the beta from that IUI, I signed us up for an information session at an adoption agency here in New York. I know that I looked online at various agencies that facilitated open domestic adoptions, and I requested information from one (though I don't recall that it ever arrived....), but since this agency was local, I figured we'd go straight to the info session. In the meantime, we got our negative betas from the IUI, and the information session was maybe a week after that.
At the session we heard from two families that had recently adopted through open adoption, and two of the agency's social workers also spoke to us about their programs and about open adoption, which they strongly advocate. I cried throughout much of the meeting. At the end I turned to my husband and said, "let's do it". He was shocked by that - thought we were moving too fast. He thought we should try more treatments, but I was really against it. So as we sat there and waited for all of the other folks at the information session to briefly meet with a social worker and get an application, we talked about it more, and as the line got shorter, he was pretty convinced that this was what we should do (convinced enough to grab an application). He wasn't as sure about the openness, however.
We got to the front of the line and got an application from the social worker who later turned out to be our fantabulous social worker throughout the process. She asked us about our feelings about open adoption and I told her about my experience reading The Kid, while Mr. P expressed more caution (which the agency fully expects and respects). Over the next few weeks we spoke a lot about it and Mr. P became more and more used to the idea and more and more comfortable with it. He had never even heard about open adoption until a few weeks before when we signed up for the session, so it was a lot to think about. A couple of weeks after the session we submitted our initial (13 page) application and the rest, as they say, is history.
As for what I'd tell my past self, or what I'd like to ask my future self about open adoption... that's a tough one. I never doubted the decision to enter into an open adoption, so I wouldn't really need to go back to reassure myself. I think my eyes were pretty open when I went into it. We struggled through some tough hypothetical questions during our waiting time, and we had to face some of those in our actual situation. Our daughter just turned 10 months last week and we still haven't had any contact from her first mother, which breaks my heart, even though it doesn't necessarily surprise me (and I still have hope that she'll reach out to us). I guess what I would tell my past/future self is that, whether or not we have any contact with K (our daughter's first mom) at all at some point, it will be okay. Our adoption is still open in that our daughter will know everything that we know about her first mom. She will know that she is loved by her, she will have pictures of the two of them together. We will continue to keep those lines of communication open from our end.
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5 comments:
This is wonderful--and so quick!
I read The Kid while we were waiting for Firefly to be born. He captures so well the essence of what it can be like to watch a placement unfold from the adoptive parent perspective. Those final scenes at the hospital still linger with me all these months later.
I think many of us go through some adjustment as we try to match the value we have for openness to our actual situations. I know we have. And I'm sure that will be true for many years to come.
Thanks again for participating. I'm looking forward to reading what the group comes up with.
We also adopted our son in August. He'll turn 10 months on the 24th. I really enjoyed your post. I like that you call your adoption open even though you do not have contact with your first mom. We are in a similar situation. We met our first mother and spent a lot of time with her while waiting for our son to be born, but she has chosen no contact going forward. We have reached out to her to keep the door open in case she changes her mind. I hope that she does for our son's sake but it is not our decision - its hers.
I like the idea that you're being as open as you can on your end. Your daughter will see that and it will mean a lot to her, I'm sure. Off to go request "The Kid" from the library! :)
I feel you....we struggle with the fact that our daughter's birthdad is really only "in contact" in that we know where he is and how to contact him and SOMETIMES we hear from him on holidays. It's hard for us especially because of the three kids he has that are her siblings....and because we have such an easy and wonderful relationship with her birthmom and her child and family.
But you're right....you can only do so much and you can't make someone do something....all you can do is keep up your end and hope for the best!
I hope your baby's birthmom comes around!
Woob's firstmom opted for no contact with her at the time we all left the hospital. We continued to reach out through letters to her dad, and when Woob turned a year old, she reached back. So...keep hope that someday things might change. I bet the first year is SO hard for them as they try to navigate what's right.
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