Looking ahead

So here we are. The four of us. I am trying to wrap my head around how different the adoptions of my two children are, and what that could mean for each of them. To recap, we haven't had any contact with our daughter's first mom since placement day, despite our stated intentions to stay in touch (from her part and ours). In my son's adoption, it seems that we will have ongoing contact with his first parents, as well as grandparents, aunts and cousins.

For now (it's only been 5 weeks since our son has been home), the circumstances of his adoption have been a great way to talk about our daughter's adoption. On the day that our son was placed with us, I was explaining to our daughter that GG (our son) grew inside of his first mom's tummy. She asked if she grew inside her tummy as well. I was so happy with that because it was the first time that I felt that she was openly recognizing that she grew inside another woman. In the past when I've told her this, she will shake her head, or just not respond at all to me.

We visited with GG's birth parents, grandparents and aunt the other day and when I told our daughter that we were going to see them, and that they are GG's family, she happily sang one of her favorite songs about family. So it's all good stuff around here so far. However.... I do spend a lot of time thinking about how this will be going into the future and our daughter's feelings about not having the same kinds of contact with her birth family as GG has with his.

Today I spoke with the school psychologist at our daughter's new pre-K school and she had some really good advice. Keep it simple. Don't lie (which sounds obvious, and of course I would never lie to our kids, but there are some aspects of our children's adoptions that would be easier to lie about). Tell only as much as we need to in order to answer questions. Bring up possible feelings/reactions every once in a while to see if she wants to talk. It's fine to say "I don't know." It was reassuring to talk this through with someone else, even if just to confirm what I've already been thinking about.

the kindness of strangers

For those that have read a few posts on this blog, you probably know that we live in a big city (New York). You may also know that we don't have a car and rely exclusively on public transportation. In our case, that means a subway most of the time. We also have little A in daycare that isn't walking distance from our apartment, so we take her to and from the daycare on the subway. For anyone who has ever visited New York City, you may have noticed that most subway stations don't have elevators. The station near our house does not have an elevator, and we need to take a total of three flights of stairs in order to get onto the train. The second-closest station to little A's babysitter's apartment has an elevator all the way from the subway platform up to street level.

We are lucky in many ways that each of us (Mr. P and me) has only one leg of the trip to or from daycare. Mr. P takes little A in the mornings since he goes into work much later, and I pick up little A after work. The babysitter's apartment is just a few blocks away from the school where I work. Even though there is a much closer subway station, I walk the extra blocks to the station that has the elevator so that I don't have to carry little A in the stroller plus the two bags (her diaper bag and my school bag) down the stairs.

And then we get to the station where we live. No elevator. Three flights of stairs. About 40 pounds to carry up.

I would say more times than not people do not offer to help me with the stroller up the stairs, and even less do they offer Mr. P help with the stroller. When people do offer help, I always accept, though I never ask for anyone to help me. I would say it's about even the number of women and men that offer me help. But whenever a woman has offered me help, she ALWAYS has said something to the effect of "I know how it is/I've been there". Several times people have really gone out of their way to help me carry the stroller up the stairs. For instance, a couple of weeks ago there were some teenagers in the station doing a public service announcement thing about pickpockets. One of the boys offered to help me up the last two flights of stairs, even though he obviously wasn't going up himself. People are super friendly whenever they've helped me and I enjoy the small exchanges we have (and of course I enjoy getting the help with the 40 lbs!!)

I am really fascinated by the whole thing. It always strikes me when people will walk right by without offering help. I mean, I don't think people ride the trains in order to help me with my kid, but to me it's the same kind of courtesy as holding a door open. I ALWAYS offer to help a person (usually a woman) with her stroller when I can (that is, when I don't have a stroller myself.) Our theory about people not helping Mr. P as much with the stroller is that maybe people think that offering help will somehow be emasculating. Or people could just figure that men are stronger and therefore it's not as big a deal to carry the 40 lbs. But who would actually want to do that alone if help was being offered?

The other morning on my way to work when I got on the train there was a woman on the train with three kids: one very small baby in a front baby carrier, another school-age (maybe 5 or 6) kid sitting next to her and another toddler asleep in a stroller. She got off the train before my stop at a station that I know doesn't have an elevator. I can't imagine how she got up those stairs by herself! I almost wanted to hop off the train with her just to help her up the stairs and then catch the next train. I can only hope that someone going her way gave her a lift with the stroller.

Anyway, here's a salute to the kindness of strangers, in big ways and small.