Looking ahead

So here we are. The four of us. I am trying to wrap my head around how different the adoptions of my two children are, and what that could mean for each of them. To recap, we haven't had any contact with our daughter's first mom since placement day, despite our stated intentions to stay in touch (from her part and ours). In my son's adoption, it seems that we will have ongoing contact with his first parents, as well as grandparents, aunts and cousins.

For now (it's only been 5 weeks since our son has been home), the circumstances of his adoption have been a great way to talk about our daughter's adoption. On the day that our son was placed with us, I was explaining to our daughter that GG (our son) grew inside of his first mom's tummy. She asked if she grew inside her tummy as well. I was so happy with that because it was the first time that I felt that she was openly recognizing that she grew inside another woman. In the past when I've told her this, she will shake her head, or just not respond at all to me.

We visited with GG's birth parents, grandparents and aunt the other day and when I told our daughter that we were going to see them, and that they are GG's family, she happily sang one of her favorite songs about family. So it's all good stuff around here so far. However.... I do spend a lot of time thinking about how this will be going into the future and our daughter's feelings about not having the same kinds of contact with her birth family as GG has with his.

Today I spoke with the school psychologist at our daughter's new pre-K school and she had some really good advice. Keep it simple. Don't lie (which sounds obvious, and of course I would never lie to our kids, but there are some aspects of our children's adoptions that would be easier to lie about). Tell only as much as we need to in order to answer questions. Bring up possible feelings/reactions every once in a while to see if she wants to talk. It's fine to say "I don't know." It was reassuring to talk this through with someone else, even if just to confirm what I've already been thinking about.