Building Bridges

Last night I watched this video from the recent blogher conference, and it really blew me away, for many reasons.

First, I am always surprised when I see people that previously I have only known either through their writing or their voice. For instance, when I see radio personalities (I listen to a lot of talk radio) for the first time it always freaks me out a bit. I have this image in my mind of what they look like and then I see them and it never matches. I can remember the first time I saw Amy Goodman from Democracy Now and Ira Glass from This American Life. So anyway, I saw "in person" the amazing Mel and Lori, from blogs that I have been reading for about a year. Putting faces to the blog! Wow!

There was a lot going on in this session, but what stuck out to me most was the discussion that arose around building bridges: bridges among those in this community (adoptive parents, first parents, people in treatment for infertility, people suffering loss of all kinds related to infertility and adoption) as well building bridges between "us" and "them" (the folks who don't struggle with infertility, don't adopt, don't place children for adoption, etc...). So this got me thinking about how I do or do not build those bridges in my own life.

I have basically taken the stance that I will speak to anyone about my infertility and/or adoption plans that asks me about it. Person on the street, friends, family, who ever.... One person I have spoken most to about all of this is a co-worker who I do not see socially. The reason I speak to her so often and openly about it? Because she asks. And she asks from a place of concern and interest, and she's obviously comfortable talking about it. In this case, I don't think I'm building a bridge. The bridge was basically there, I just walked over it.

If people don't ask about it, I basically don't talk about it. For the most part this works for me (in terms of my own comfort level and needing to share with others), with at least one glaring exception. A close friend of ours has never spoken to us about our infertility. She started trying to get pregnant after we'd been trying for several years already. When she started trying, she talked to me a lot about TTC, taking temperatures, cervical mucus, the whole thing. She asked me a lot about what we did, what we had tried, etc... (this was before we started any treatment). But our conversation was never about IF per se. After a couple months of trying, she got pregnant. She stopped talking to me at all about TTC (and therefore I never brought it up either) and in fact most of our conversations over the next several months centered on her pregnancy. (And meanwhile I planned and threw her a baby shower.) We ceased completely to talk about Mr. P's and my efforts to have a family, until we decided to adopt and told her. (There is a whole other discussion here, for another post perhaps, about how people are comfortable talking about adoption, but not infertility.)

This part of our relationship has really bothered me over the past two years. I know that she realizes that we've struggled with IF, and it bothers me that she never has asked me about it. So why don't I just tell her?? I don't really have an answer to that. Why do I need to wait for others to approach me instead of me reaching out to them? I tell myself that I don't talk to her about it because I assume she must be uncomfortable with it since she's never broached the subject with me. But really? I think that's just me copping out.

I have some theories here. One dominant theory is that I don't talk to her about it because I am projecting my own insecurities onto her, in assuming that she is uncomfortable about the whole topic. I myself feel somehow an "imposter mother wanna be" because of our inability to conceive and the alternative way we are starting our family. Rationally I know this is ridiculous, but I can't deny that the feelings are there. Ugh, this is a topic for a separate post....

Ok, so on to building those bridges... So I feel like I need to build this bridge to my friend (and to others, but in particular this friend). And I really don't know where to begin. I feel like so much time has passed, I have had these bottled up feelings for so long, and I am afraid of coming across too strong and becoming too emotional if I bring these feelings to her. It's like I've been having this one-sided argument for years in my head. Honestly, I think that she probably isn't super comfortable with the topic, and feels like maybe she would be intruding by asking about it (although she didn't mind asking me about CM when she started TTC!! Ha!) Anyone out there have a similar story to share with a happy ending? Ideas for how to get this off my chest?

In any case, I am so pleased that the ladies at blogher decided to start this project. One category I would love to see added... first mothers. First mothers/first families are an integral, though sometimes forgotten, part of this community. I'll make sure to leave a comment to that effect on the site.