softening....

After just a day of being a mom, I can feel the knots untying in my stomach, and a general softening in my entire body. I realize now how much I had guarded myself against this ultimate wish that I had. After years of wanting to start a family, I have learned to guard myself against baby commercials, kids in strollers and kids in playgrounds. I haven't avoided any of these things, but I now realize that when I encountered these things in my life, I had a kind of feeling that, hey, don't get too envious there, don't wish for too much. I think I was constantly trying to prepare myself for the possibility that I may never have children.

What a difference a day makes. Just walking about last night and this morning, I feel a different physical and emotional reaction when those commercials come on and when we encounter other babies or kids in the street. It makes me sad to think of how I felt for all those years. It was what I needed to do, and I think it did indeed help me get through many difficult moments, but I just want to go back and give my old self a hug and say, "this WILL happen for you. It will happen."

So for all of those out there that are still waiting to start their families, I am sending you an enormous, virtual, blog hug and saying, "this WILL happen for you. It will happen."