And now back to our regularly scheduled program

Since A has come in to our lives much faster than we (I) imagined, I never got the chance to record our homestudy process on this blog. So I want to continue to tell that story.

(Incidentally, my internet connection wasn't cooperating last night, so I'll save the pictures of my flying dog for next week's Show and Tell)

Today I did the math and calculated when A was conceived. According to the hospital she was born at 38 weeks, which means that she was conceived around November 12th.

I then went back and re-read a letter I had written to A not quite a year ago, just after we submitted our initial application, but before the follow-up call. Here is that letter:

Dear baby,

I am in awe to think that right at this very moment, you may be growing inside someone’s belly; someone who will at some point in the next few months choose us to be your forever parents. It is October 7, 2007. Are you out there already? Or your first mother is there, but you are not yet. She is falling in love with your first father. Or not.

Meanwhile I am here alone on a Sunday morning thinking about marriage certificates and criminal background checks that will need to be compiled in the coming months. You, on the other hand, may be out there growing lungs and feet. You have no idea what is in store for you. Honestly, I don’t either. Your birth parents may have no idea that you exist. They may be scared or simply in denial that you are there.

Each year I think about the people that I will know and that will become so important to me a year from now, but that I don’t currently know. Since I am a teacher now, I am guaranteed to have a couple dozen new very important people in my life each year. People that I cannot imagine my life without. That fill my thoughts, make me laugh, smile and cry. This year as I think about this, I know that you are out there. I don’t know if you are a boy or a girl, what color eyes you have, curly hair or straight. You will truly change my life in ways that I cannot yet even imagine. I’ve never been so excited to meet someone who I don’t even know exists yet.

This is not the way I imagined a pregnancy for myself. The one time I was pregnant was a very scary and sad time for me. It was tumultuous. Even though I was sure of my decision, it didn’t make it any easier. There was physical pain involved, sure. But the emotional pain was much worse. I don’t have any regrets about that. Nor do I have any regrets about our struggles with fertility, since I know that those struggles have led us to you coming into our lives. So this is my pregnancy. Not the pregnancy I have imagined for myself full of pictures of my belly and new clothes, but this is certainly not the first time my life has turned out differently that I had imagined. What joy! My pregnancy – my journey to become a parent – begins now, a week after I’ve submitted an application to a stranger who will judge our answers and then ask more questions. Who knows how long this pregnancy will last? Maybe an ironic nine months! Then again, maybe it will be an 18-month gestation. My pregnancy will not involve morning sickness or swollen feet. There is no week by week guide for this kind of pregnancy. No warning signs of missed periods or water breaking. No typical symptoms. This is uncharted territory for us. And I am so ready to make that map. Our family map.

I love you already.

Love,

mom