Loss

The first book I read about adoption (other than The Kid, which I read over a decade ago, before I knew I would adopt myself - love, love, love that book) was this one. Although I didn't plan it this way, I think it was a great first book for me to read as we began our journey with adoption. The book is largely focused on the profound loss involved in adoption, on all parts of the adoption triad: the loss of parenting a child for the birth parents, the loss of being parented by his/her birth parents by the child, and the loss of a pregnancy and parenting a biological child for the adoptive parents. The book stresses the need to recognize and validate these feelings of loss, particularly between the adoptive parents and their children.

These losses have always been at the heart of how I feel about adoption. It may seem rather dark and depressing, but to me it is just the reality of this situation. I don't think this diminishes the happiness that we feel as parents, how much we love our daughter. Somehow all of these feelings have settled into my being and co-habitate there together.

In the months after we began our adoption process, I was enrolled as a fellow in a research study for teachers in the city where I live. The study looked at the effects of stress-reducing measures implemented by teachers and their students on their stress levels. The study involved weekly yoga classes, meditation, periodic gatherings, and it also included a weekend retreat. That retreat was so transformative for me. I consciously decided to use the weekend to process my feelings of grief and loss. Lo and behold, one of the two workshops offered during the weekend was entitled "good grief". Wow. That was the first time I had vocalized my feelings of loss and grief, and the workshop helped me work through and process that grief.

In the three days between when our agency called us about the possibility of adopting little A and when we knew that we would indeed adopt her, we decided to make a CD with music for A's first mom. One of the things we knew about her at that point was how much she loves music and singing. So I put together some songs that we love and hoped she would, too. That CD became our soundtrack in the following days and weeks and continues to play almost daily in our home. At one point in those few days I was doing something around the house (cleaning?) while the music was playing and I just burst into tears. Not happy tears but tears of sadness and grief for the situation that A's first mom was in. It was an important moment for me.

It's been quite a while since I shed tears over the thought of never having a child with Mr. P's eyes and my curls. As I sit here and watch the rise and fall of my daughter's belly as she sleeps, I can't imagine my life any other way. But as the 30 days have just passed that A's first mom had in which to revoke her consent to the adoption, I continue to be haunted by the loss of A's first mom and all first moms. It isn't always easy for me to simultaneously live with all of these emotions - sadness, joy, gratefulness, awe, worry, love. But I do happily take them all on as a new mom.