open adoption blogger

Heather has just set up a blogroll of open adoption bloggers. Thanks, Heather! I've added my name to the list, even though I haven't much felt like an open adoption blogger lately.

When I started this blog we were about a month out of submitting all of our paperwork to our agency and were "officially" waiting. Little A arrived much, much sooner than I had imagined (although not sooner than I had hoped!) and so what I thought would be a blog mostly about the wait has turned into an adoptive parent blog. Lately I have been feeling like RPFM (reservado para futura mama) has had an identity crisis. In part because I wasn't expecting this to be a parent blog (But, hello? I was in the process of adopting a baby which would make me, uh, a parent, right? duh! This just shows how much hope I had lost at becoming a actual, real-live parent). And also because I expected to have the entire focus be on adoption and now it feels more like the focus is on parenthood more generally.

And then there is my ...... I don't know how to name the feeling exactly (sadness? frustration? worry? anxiousness?).... but my feelings about our lack of contact with K (little A's first mom) since placement. I so desperately want to have some kind of contact with her. That desire of mine feels selfish and I think that's part of the reason I haven't yet written much about it here. Because, ya know, if I don't write about it or talk about it, that means I'm not having these selfish feelings, right?

When we were going through the process with our agency we talked a lot about the kind of openness we envisioned as well as the kind of openness that we were ... open ... to. Ideally we wanted a very open relationship but we also understood (understand) that every situation is unique and not all situations lend themselves to openness, and we were okay with proceeding with a possible placement even if the kind of openness we wanted wasn't an option.

As things turned out, K's situation was one that would have led us to believe that she would not want openness. But, lo and behold, she did want an open and on-going relationship! This thrilled us. When we met with K, we talked about all kinds of things, including openness, and from my perspective we were all on the same page. We talked about having several meetings throughout the year that we would set up directly with each other, sending photos, letters, calling, etc... However, because no one in K's family knows about the pregnancy or the adoption, we gave her our contact information but understood that we would not be able to contact her directly until she could get her own personal phone number.

K did call us once in between when we met and placement day (though not really to talk about anything to do with the adoption), but she hasn't called us since. We've continued to send letters and pictures to her through the agency.

I think of her all the time and I wonder how she is doing. I worry about her because she has so much on her shoulders right now - so much more than just the adoption. I really want to know how she is doing. I also of course want her to see little A and how she is flourishing, how she has K's eyes, how happy and healthy she is, and how happy we are to be her parents. But, as I said, this all feels selfish to me, and I am shamed a bit for feeling this way. For even in my meager attempts to understand what K must be going through at this time in her life (it truly is something that I can't come close to understanding), there are many, many reasons I can imagine for K to not want/need/be able to have contact with us right now.

Ultimately, the reason that I want to have an open relationship is so that little A can grow up knowing about K from K herself, and not just through what we tell her, and so that they can decide on the relationship they want for themselves. This of course doesn't necessarily depend on having contact when little A is a baby, but I just worry about not building the relationship now so that their relationship can grow as little A grows up.

With each week that passes I wonder whether it is another week closer to when we will hear from her or a simply another week when we haven't heard from her. I fear that we may never hear from her. (Mr. P does not share my view). In the end, of course, there isn't a whole lot more we can do.

So this is where I stand as an open adoption blogger - an incredibly lucky and happy adoptive mom that feels like her family's adoption isn't so open, and hoping that it one day will be.

But, oh, K, we do think of you all the time. You are in our thoughts and prayers daily. I wish the very best for you and your family.