thoughts on the mini-me conversation

After posting about the mini-me conversation I had last weekend with several friends, I had a real-life discussion about it with a friend, also single and not a parent. She turned the argument on its head, actually, and asked whether it was actually those who decide to not become parents who are the selfish ones. I don't really think anyone needs to be labeled selfish in this debate. But my conversation with her did affirm my original feeling that becoming a parent for me was something that has always felt right and like something I want to do - for many reasons. I don't want to say it's the "natural" thing to do, because I do believe that not everyone wants to be or should be a parent, even though it is indeed what many people end up doing at some point in their life. My friend also pointed out that most parents probably don't think much about why they want to parent - it's just expected. True dat.

This made me think a lot about my sister, who has said for years that she doesn't want children. She is older than me (which, for some people, means that she should have had children before me - silly, I know), and has from a very young age said that she never wanted children. She's given various reasons over time: she doesn't think she'd be a good mother; she doesn't want to pass on all of her "issues" to children; the world is a terrible place so why bring more people into it?; the world is over-populated so why bring more people into it?; it's an act of narcissism that she doesn't want to take part in.

In a somewhat interesting twist, she has also always said that if she did have children (in those rare moments where she opens to the possibility), she would adopt. That approach addresses some of her reasons for not wanting to parent, but not all. When asked further about this, she has said that she definitely does not have the desire to be pregnant. While I very much wanted to be pregnant and had idyllic visions of that belly of mine and all that came along with it, I can surely understand not wanting to be pregnant. When we set out on our adoption, I was hopeful that maybe seeing us go through it would make her want to go down the same path herself. (I think she'd be a great parent, as would my brother-in-law, who very much wants children).

While little would make me happier than my sister becoming a parent, who am I to say what she should do? I certainly don't like to see anyone become a parent who is really opposed to the idea. And who am I to judge her for making this choice? Is it because she is selfish? Is the fact that she doesn't want to give up her current lifestyle to become a parent evidence of her selfishness? I don't think so. Is my desire for a child evidence of my desire to impose all of my will on that person? To have that person fulfill all the dreams I never fulfilled myself? I don't think so.

So basically I concluded that the mini-me conversation really didn't deserve any response. As my grandfather says, what is, is. If there is one thing that parenthood continues to teach me, it's that most of us are doing are best out there, in whatever role we are taking on, and it's counterproductive to pass judgement.