happenings

Where to begin? It's been a long several weeks. Tomorrow we will bring home our son, who we met last week along with his first father. We also saw his first mom again. It's strange, to say the least, to walk into a room where a cute baby sleeps and think, "my, what a cute baby" and then, immediately, "oh, that will be our baby." The fact that we met Baby Boy before he was placed with us is unusual. This only happened because Baby Boy's parents signed the relinquishment papers that same day and since we were all going to be there together our social worker asked if we wanted to meet him. Of course! We also wanted to have that time with the five of us (first parents, us, and Baby Boy) since we weren't sure when that would happen again. Turns out it will happen again tomorrow!

So much going through my mind in this last week, in no particular order:

1. Excitement. I am so looking forward to holding this little guy in my arms. Watching him sleep. Watching him grow. Being a witness to that. Getting to know him. Getting to know my daughter in her new role as big sister. Watching their relationship form and grow.

2. Nervous. I am nervous about managing a toddler and baby, and going back to work sooner than I would like. Definitely nervous about money. I am not entitled to use any of my sick days to get pay while on child care leave, so we are foregoing my entire salary, which happens to be the larger one in our family, while I am out. This, coupled with a new pre-school that our daughter is attending that is slightly more expensive than her current daycare, has me worried about money. I'm also nervous about having a new dynamic in our house. I'm as excited as I am nervous, but until I'm in it, I can think of lots of things to worry about.

3. Sad. Adoption is a sad story, inherently. I am sad for Baby Boy's first parents. Sad for his first grandparents. Sad for Baby Boy. We've been feeling this sadness ever since we got the first phone call from our social worker. While it may seem strange to have sadness as an integral part of building a family, for me this is normal. The happiness and sadness go hand in hand. And we are talking about a situation here where all family members involved have been very supportive, Baby Boy's first parents have been (reportedly) unwavering in their decisions, and there are smiles all around each time we've met. But we can't deny the loss and sadness here.

4. Nervous, again. If all goes as planned, this adoption will be quite open. This makes me very happy. While it also makes my husband happy, he is nervous as well. Which then makes me nervous. Of the people in our lives that know this is happening, everyone has asked how this will affect our daughter, who hasn't any any contact with her first mom since placement. I am remaining optimistic and hoping that having her see her baby brother's open adoption will allow her to ask more questions and wrap her mind around adoption in a way that perhaps she hasn't been able to yet.

5. Honored. How can I express how honored I feel to be able to parent this little guy? It's hard for me to wrap my head around that. The bringing of these families together so that we may parent this precious boy.

6. Frazzled. This has been a lot of what I've been feeling in the past couple of days. We've been purging lots and lots of stuff to get ready for baby, including baby stuff that people have been giving us as hand-me-downs and that we just don't need. I've been cooking and freezing food enough for an army (or, as much as our freezer will fit). I've been on hold with my employer's HR department for hours trying to make sure that Baby Boy will be insured under my plan, only to find out that if I actually want that to happen in a timely manner I should just take the paper work in person to the office. Which involves an hour subway right in each direction - with a newborn. We got some medical information yesterday about Baby Boy that may or may not be scary, but we need to speak to our doctor to figure that out, and am still waiting for a call from said doctor. I am trying to plan lessons for the entire time that I will be out on child care leave. I am working with a brand new teacher this year and trying to get her up to speed on the ins and outs of our school, and teaching middle school in general. Honestly, I'm thinking that the calm will hit once we have Baby Boy home.