Four things

*Stolen from Heather

I didn't participate in a recent OA Roundtable, but I did read Heather's response. I don't think I was a reader of her blog at the time she wrote this post, but I'm sure glad I read it now. It got me thinking, so here are my four things.

Four things I thought about adoption when I was a child:

• I suspected/fantasized that I was adopted. What else could explain my curly hair in a sea of straight-haired relatives?
• Adoption was secretive. My best friend's brother was adopted, and she only found out when we were maybe 12 years old. It wasn't clear if he knew about his own adoption before that or not.
• Adopted children were unwanted. My friend's brother was the only African-American child in an orphanage in Germany, where my friend's parents were living. He was uncared for by the orphanage staff because of his race, according to my friend's account that her parents told her.
• Adopted children were resourceful and spunky. We only have to watch little orphan Annie to know that.

Four things I've learned since then:

• Adoption is extremely complex, open or not.
• Adopted children do not equal unwanted children.
• Some people still regard adoption as secretive, and express surprise when they learn that we plan on "telling" our children they are adopted.
• I will constantly be judged - both positively and negatively - because we have chosen to adopt.

Four silly things people have said to me about adoption:

• It's a noble cause.
• I think it's silly when people who know that our children are adopted tell us how they look like one (or both) of us. Especially in the case of our daughter, she so clearly does not look a thing like us. It seems like they think it's some kind of compliment to say it.
• You did it the easy way.
• I would use a word other than silly to describe it, but I'll include here someone commenting that we bought our daughter.

Four things that are hard about adoption:

• Not having contact with our daughter's first mom.
• Some of the facts about our daughter's origins that we'll share with her when she's older.
• Adoption is based in loss.
• Dealing with people's comments about and around our children.

Four ways my adopted child/placed child has surprised me (or how your adoptive/first parents have surprised you if you are an adoptee):

• My children, and all children, surprise me constantly by how resilient they are.
• I have been surprised at how differently my experience has been with my two children. I love them both beyond words, but it feels different with each of them.
• I am constantly surprised/overjoyed by how amazing our family is (sorry to gloat). :)
• How easily our daughter has transitioned to become a big sister through a very open adoption - at least for now.

Four things I wish everyone knew about adoption:

• That is based in loss.
• That is based in love.
• That nothing will ever take away the role a person's birth family plays in who they are and will become.
• That although we may talk about many things related to our children's adoptions, that doesn't mean that we are open to answering every question you may have about our children and their adoptions.