sentimientos encontrados

A while back, I was talking to a friend of mine and we were talking about babies and kids (what's new!?), and she must have been talking about her pregnancy and pregnancies in general. In any case, she said to me something to the effect that adopting a child is much easier because you don't have to deal with any of those pregnancy-related issues. Further on in the conversation, she apologized for saying it, and hoped I wasn't offended. I wasn't offended. I understand how people might think this. Because I don't think that most (any?) people who aren't somehow involved with adoption realize the amount of loss and grieving that is an integral part of adoption.

There is no such thing as an adoption without sadness. Without grief. Without loss. There is loss on all sides. The loss looks and feels different in each adoption, but there is no getting around that it's there. I often wish that other people realized this. Not because I want pity, but because I want understanding. I don't want to be an educator all of the time.

The other day at my job my co-workers threw me a baby shower. I was moved to tears. They did this when we adopted our daughter as well. I am always so overwhelmed when people think to do something like that for me, and so grateful. It was also the first time that such a public display of welcoming had been organized for our boy. There is a marked decrease in fanfare for the second child, we've found. My colleagues had decorated a room, bought a cake with our son's name on it, brought chips and soda. And they had signed a card. One couple that I work with commended me for our "noble causa" - noble cause. I understand where they are coming from, just as I understand where my friend was coming from when she said it's easier to adopt, but, again, I just wish there was more understanding. My son is not a cause, noble or not. He is a child. He is our child, he is his first family's child, he is his own person. Not a cause. Not a good deed. Not the easy way out.

For me adoption is full of "sentimientos encontrados" - or mixed emotions. The joy and sadness. The growth and loss of family. It's hard to talk to other people who aren't touched by adoption about these feelings, because I think it's hard to grasp such contradictions. It's far from black and white. It's hard even for me to come to terms with the happiness and grief that is part of adoption. It's all jumbled together. You can't have one without the other.